95 Ways John McCain is not like Martin Luther
Well it’s the political season and in honor of Chris Matthews and his love for the republican candidate for president (Matthews: “He’s kind of like a Martin Luther.”) we who like to think we know a few things about Martin Luther present the following of ways John McCain is not actually that much like Martin Luther, for your edification and enlightenment:
95 Ways John McCain is not like Martin Luther
1. When he reached age 63, Luther died. When John McCain turned 63 he was serving another term in the senate and getting ready to be rolled in South Carolina by Rove and GW Bush the following spring.
2. Luther called himself an old stool in the arse of the world. John McCain might have called Jim Inhofe something like that in the Senate cloakroom.
3. Luther married just once. To a nun.
4. On the subject of marriage and beer, Martin and Katie got 20 guilders and a barrel of beer from a city magistrate. John McCain married into a $400 million dollar beer-funded inheritance. 20 guilders adjusted for five hundred years of inflation is still less than $400 million.
5. Luther translated the whole Bible into German. McCain tells a story that bears eerie similarities to a memoir translated from Russian.
6. When confronted with a position that he really believed in, Luther said, “Here I stand.” McCain opposed torture…you know…before he supported it.
7. Luther really said some awful things about the peasants. Dang, that’s one way they’re alike.
8. Luther said even worse things about the Jews. McCain is on record as a supporter of Israel and has at least one really good Jewish friend. Hey it’s not 95 ways Luther is better than John McCain. Credit where credit is due: John McCain’s position on Jews is better than Martin Luther’s.
9. The Pope got really really mad at Martin Luther. The current pope has been kinda meh about John McCain. Writing to the Pope, Luther said he was “sitting like a lamb in the midst of wolves, like Daniel in the midst of lions, and, with Ezekiel, you dwell among scorpions.” McCain doesn’t mention anything about Benedict’s advisors.
10. John McCain flew a jet in the war! Whaddya got, Luther?
11. Martin Luther’s dad wanted him to be a lawyer. Nobody wants that for their kid now.
12. McCain opposed Martin Luther King Day. Luther didn’t like things named after him either, but come on, he was talking about “Lutheranism.” To be fair, McCain changed his mind. Hey there’s a difference: Luther never liked people naming things after him.
13. Luther’s two sermons on John 3:16 total 75 paragraphs. When asked about John 3:16 McCain said, “Is that the one about the end of the world?”
14. John McCain killed a man in Reno just to watch him die. I guess that was John Cash. But Reno didn’t exist when Luther was alive!
15. Luther: kidney stones kept him from going to the bathroom for days at a time and nearly killed him until jarred loose by a bumpy wagon ride and then urinated pus and blood. John McCain—wait, Luther didn’t go to the bathroom for days? no pee for days? And what came out? Gross! That’s just gross!
16. John McCain picked Sarah Palin to be Vice President. Martin Luther once wrote “The word and works of God are quite clear, that women were made either to be wives or prostitutes.” Ouch, score that one for McCain? I guess?
17. Luther: “A Mighty Fortress is our God.” McCain: Big and Rich played his convention. Big. and. Rich.
18. McCain looks like a pocket gopher. Actually, Luther was pretty lumpy too.
19. Luther’s portrait features that academic beret. John McCain wouldn’t be caught dead in a beret. Too French, frenchie!
20. The Diet of Worms is a name for a theological conference which Luther attended. McCain might have had to eat a diet that included worms when he was being held in a POW camp. Also pumpkin soup, apparently.
21. After a lifetime of Episcopalianism, McCain announced he was a Southern Baptist. Luther proposed the killing of Anabaptists.
22. McCain was shot down in his jet and lived. All that ever happened to Luther was almost getting struck by lightning. Besides, Saint Anne helped out of that jam.
23. Luther wrote a treatise on the bondage of the will. . . . Yeaah, the McCain camp’s not touching that one.
24. McCain said “Do you know why Chelsea Clinton is so ugly? — Because Janet Reno is her father.” Now that I look closely at those portraits, Luther is the one who kind of looks like Janet Reno. Kind of disturbing, to tell the truth.
25. Dude, ninety-five is a lot. You know why Luther wrote 95 theses? Because there were actually ninety-five distinct and noteworthy problems with the abuses of papal power. So now any time a Lutheran starts to make a list there’s all this pressure to hit ninety-five, for symbolic reasons. Why do we do that to ourselves? Well forget it. I’m not going to do that. This list might hit thirty. Might.
26. Freedom of the Christian? Or freedom only for the Christian Right? I’m just sayin!
27. Martin Luther would never have accepted schwarmerei pastor Rev. John Hagee’s endorsement. He might have agreed with Hagee about the pope. But that’s it.
28. Sarah Palin’s daughter is pregnant! Can you believe that?! Abstinence-only educatin’ Sarah Palin raised a kid who didn’t— dang, these media distractions sure do make it hard to build a list.
29. John McCain is eighteen years older than his wife. Martin Luther was sixteen years older than his. What? They both had six kids? No wait, seven? Dang, McCain! A couple of his are adopted, but dang. Kids are expensive! No wonder he needs that disability pension and the senate salary and his wife’s hundreds of millions of dollars in beer distributor money.
30. One of Luther’s descendants was President Paul von Hindenburg of Germany. Yes, that Hindenburg. There’s a a boat named the USS John S. McCain. It got decommissioned and sold for scrap. Still, that’s probably better than exploding over New Jersey.
31. McCain scandal: Keating 5. Martin Luther scandal: Bigamy of Philip I, Landgrave of Hesse.
Frankly, Keating 5 sounds cooler. Oh, also, Luther opposed the bigamy thing. McCain and Keating? Not so much.
32. Luther was interdistrict junior welterweight champion of Thuringia from 1501-1506. McCain is actually a two time olympic fencer in épée. No wait. That’s not right. The sentence should have ended sooner. John McCain is a two timer.
33. McCain says “my friends” a LOT. Luther preferred to address people, “Listen up, yo!”
34. McCain works to be thought of as a maverick, using the press. Luther totally invented that move.
35. One time? One summer? Luther and his dad built a veranda without any tools!
36. In the unaltered Augsburg Confession Luther wrote: There has been great controversy concerning the Power of Bishops, in which some have awkwardly confounded the power of the Church and the power of the sword. And from this confusion very great wars and tumults have resulted, while the Pontiffs, emboldened by the power of the Keys, not only have instituted new services and burdened consciences with reservation of cases and ruthless excommunications, but have also undertaken to transfer the kingdoms of this world, and to take the Empire from the Emperor. These wrongs have long since been rebuked in the Church by learned and godly men. Therefore our teachers, for the comforting of men’s consciences, were constrained to show the difference between the power of the Church and the power of the sword, and taught that both of them, because of God’s commandment, are to be held in reverence and honor, as the chief blessings of God on earth.
But this is their opinion, that the power of the Keys, or the power of the bishops, according to the Gospel, is a power or commandment of God, to preach the Gospel, to remit and retain sins, and to administer Sacraments. For with this commandment Christ sends forth His Apostles, John 20, 21 sqq.: As My Father hath sent Me, even so send I you. Receive ye the Holy Ghost. Whosesoever sins ye remit, they are remitted unto them; and whosesoever sins ye retain, they are retained. Mark 16, 15: Go preach the Gospel to every creature.
This power is exercised only by teaching or preaching the Gospel and administering the Sacraments, according to their calling either to many or to individuals. For thereby are granted, not bodily, but eternal things, as eternal righteousness, the Holy Ghost, eternal life. These things cannot come but by the ministry of the Word and the Sacraments, as Paul says, Rom. 1, 16: The Gospel is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth. Therefore, since the power of the Church grants eternal things, and is exercised only by the ministry of the Word, it does not interfere with civil government; no more than the art of singing interferes with civil government. For civil government deals with other things than does the Gospel. The civil rulers defend not minds, but bodies and bodily things against manifest injuries, and restrain men with the sword and bodily punishments in order to preserve civil justice and peace.
Therefore the power of the Church and the civil power must not be confounded. The power of the Church has its own commission to teach the Gospel and to administer the Sacraments. Let it not break into the office of another; Let it not transfer the kingdoms of this world; let it not abrogate the laws of civil rulers; let it not abolish lawful obedience; let it not interfere with judgments concerning civil ordinances or contracts; let it not prescribe laws to civil rulers concerning the form of the Commonwealth. As Christ says, John 18, 33: My kingdom is not of this world; also Luke 12, 14: Who made Me a judge or a divider over you? Paul also says, Phil. 3, 20: Our citizenship is in heaven; 2 Cor. 10, 4: The weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the casting down of imaginations.
After this manner our teachers discriminate between the duties of both these powers, and command that both be honored and acknowledged as gifts and blessings of God.
If bishops have any power of the sword, that power they have, not as bishops, by the commission of the Gospel, but by human law having received it of kings and emperors for the civil administration of what is theirs. This, however, is another office than the ministry of the Gospel.
When, therefore, the question is concerning the jurisdiction of bishops, civil authority must be distinguished from ecclesiastical jurisdiction. Again, according to the Gospel or, as they say, by divine right, there belongs to the bishops as bishops, that is, to those to whom has been committed the ministry of the Word and the Sacraments, no jurisdiction except to forgive sins, to judge doctrine, to reject doctrines contrary to the Gospel, and to exclude from the communion of the Church wicked men, whose wickedness is known, and this without human force, simply by the Word. Herein the congregations of necessity and by divine right must obey them, according to Luke 10, 16: He that heareth you heareth Me. But when they teach or ordain anything against the Gospel, then the congregations have a commandment of God prohibiting obedience, Matt. 7, 15: Beware of false prophets; Gal. 1, 8: Though an angel from heaven preach any other gospel, let him be accursed; 2 Cor. 13, 8: We can do nothing against the truth, but for the truth. Also: The power which the Lord hath given me to edification, and not to destruction. So, also, the Canonical Laws command (II. Q. VII. Cap., Sacerdotes, and Cap. Oves). And Augustine (Contra Petiliani Epistolam): Neither must we submit to Catholic bishops if they chance to err, or hold anything contrary to the Canonical Scriptures of God.
If they have any other power or jurisdiction, in hearing and judging certain cases, as of matrimony or of tithes, etc., they have it by human right, in which matters princes are bound, even against their will, when the ordinaries fail, to dispense justice to their subjects for the maintenance of peace.
Moreover, it is disputed whether bishops or pastors have the right to introduce ceremonies in the Church, and to make laws concerning meats, holy-days and grades, that is, orders of ministers, etc. They that give this right to the bishops refer to this testimony John 16, 12. 13: I have yet many things to say unto you, but ye cannot bear them now. Howbeit when He, the Spirit of Truth, is come, He will guide you into all truth. They also refer to the example of the Apostles, who commanded to abstain from blood and from things strangled, Acts 15, 29. They refer to the Sabbath-day as having been changed into the Lord’s Day, contrary to the Decalog, as it seems. Neither is there any example whereof they make more than concerning the changing of the Sabbath-day. Great, say they, is the power of the Church, since it has dispensed with one of the Ten Commandments!
But concerning this question it is taught on our part (as has been shown above) that bishops have no power to decree anything against the Gospel. The Canonical Laws teach the same thing (Dist. IX) . Now, it is against Scripture to establish or require the observance of any traditions, to the end that by such observance we may make satisfaction for sins, or merit grace and righteousness. For the glory of Christ’s merit suffers injury when, by such observances, we undertake to merit justification. But it is manifest that, by such belief, traditions have almost infinitely multiplied in the Church, the doctrine concerning faith and the righteousness of faith being meanwhile suppressed. For gradually more holy-days were made, fasts appointed, new ceremonies and services in honor of saints instituted, because the authors of such things thought that by these works they were meriting grace. Thus in times past the Penitential Canons increased, whereof we still see some traces in the satisfactions.
Again, the authors of traditions do contrary to the command of God when they find matters of sin in foods, in days, and like things, and burden the Church with bondage of the law, as if there ought to be among Christians, in order to merit justification a service like the Levitical, the arrangement of which God had committed to the Apostles and bishops. For thus some of them write; and the Pontiffs in some measure seem to be misled by the example of the law of Moses. Hence are such burdens, as that they make it mortal sin, even without offense to others, to do manual labor on holy-days, a mortal sin to omit the Canonical Hours, that certain foods defile the conscience that fastings are works which appease God that sin in a reserved case cannot be forgiven but by the authority of him who reserved it; whereas the Canons themselves speak only of the reserving of the ecclesiastical penalty, and not of the reserving of the guilt.
Whence have the bishops the right to lay these traditions upon the Church for the ensnaring of consciences, when Peter, Acts 15, 10, forbids to put a yoke upon the neck of the disciples, and Paul says, 2 Cor. 13, 10, that the power given him was to edification not to destruction? Why, therefore, do they increase sins by these traditions?
But there are clear testimonies which prohibit the making of such traditions, as though they merited grace or were necessary to salvation. Paul says, Col. 2, 16-23: Let no man judge you in meat, or in drink, or in respect of an holy-day, or of the new moon, or of the Sabbath-days. If ye be dead with Christ from the rudiments of the world, why, as though living in the world, are ye subject to ordinances (touch not; taste not; handle not, which all are to perish with the using) after the commandments and doctrines of men! which things have indeed a show of wisdom. Also in Titus 1, 14 he openly forbids traditions: Not giving heed to Jewish fables and commandments of men that turn from the truth.
And Christ, Matt. 15, 14. 13, says of those who require traditions: Let them alone; they be blind leaders of the blind; and He rejects such services: Every plant which My heavenly Father hath not planted shall be plucked up.
If bishops have the right to burden churches with infinite traditions, and to ensnare consciences, why does Scripture so often prohibit to make, and to listen to, traditions? Why does it call them “doctrines of devils”? 1 Tim. 4, 1. Did the Holy Ghost in vain forewarn of these things?
Since, therefore, ordinances instituted as things necessary, or with an opinion of meriting grace, are contrary to the Gospel, it follows that it is not lawful for any bishop to institute or exact such services. For it is necessary that the doctrine of Christian liberty be preserved in the churches, namely, that the bondage of the Law is not necessary to justification, as it is written in the Epistle to the Galatians, 5, 1: Be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage. It is necessary that the chief article of the Gospel be preserved, to wit, that we obtain grace freely by faith in Christ, and not for certain observances or acts of worship devised by men.
What, then, are we to think of the Sunday and like rites in the house of God? To this we answer that it is lawful for bishops or pastors to make ordinances that things be done orderly in the Church, not that thereby we should merit grace or make satisfaction for sins, or that consciences be bound to judge them necessary services, and to think that it is a sin to break them without offense to others. So Paul ordains, 1 Cor. 11, 5, that women should cover their heads in the congregation, 1 Cor. 14, 30, that interpreters be heard in order in the church, etc.
It is proper that the churches should keep such ordinances for the sake of love and tranquillity, so far that one do not offend another, that all things be done in the churches in order, and without confusion, 1 Cor. 14, 40; comp. Phil. 2, 14; but so that consciences be not burdened to think that they are necessary to salvation, or to judge that they sin when they break them without offense to others; as no one will say that a woman sins who goes out in public with her head uncovered provided only that no offense be given.
Of this kind is the observance of the Lord’s Day, Easter, Pentecost, and like holy-days and rites. For those who judge that by the authority of the Church the observance of the Lord’s Day instead of the Sabbath-day was ordained as a thing necessary, do greatly err. Scripture has abrogated the Sabbath-day; for it teaches that, since the Gospel has been revealed, all the ceremonies of Moses can be omitted. And yet, because it was necessary to appoint a certain day, that the people might know when they ought to come together, it appears that the Church designated the Lord’s Day for this purpose; and this day seems to have been chosen all the more for this additional reason, that men might have an example of Christian liberty, and might know that the keeping neither of the Sabbath nor of any other day is necessary.
There are monstrous disputations concerning the changing of the law, the ceremonies of the new law, the changing of the Sabbath-day, which all have sprung from the false belief that there must needs be in the Church a service like to the Levitical, and that Christ had given commission to the Apostles and bishops to devise new ceremonies as necessary to salvation. These errors crept into the Church when the righteousness of faith was not taught clearly enough. Some dispute that the keeping of the Lord’s Day is not indeed of divine right, but in a manner so. They prescribe concerning holy-days, how far it is lawful to work. What else are such disputations than snares of consciences? For although they endeavor to modify the traditions, yet the mitigation can never be perceived as long as the opinion remains that they are necessary, which must needs remain where the righteousness of faith and Christian liberty are not known.
The Apostles commanded Acts 15, 20 to abstain from blood. Who does now observe it? And yet they that do it not sin not; for not even the Apostles themselves wanted to burden consciences with such bondage; but they forbade it for a time, to avoid offense. For in this decree we must perpetually consider what the aim of the Gospel is.
Scarcely any Canons are kept with exactness, and from day to day many go out of use even among those who are the most zealous advocates of traditions. Neither can due regard be paid to consciences unless this mitigation be observed, that we know that the Canons are kept without holding them to be necessary, and that no harm is done consciences, even though traditions go out of use.
But the bishops might easily retain the lawful obedience of the people if they would not insist upon the observance of such traditions as cannot be kept with a good conscience. Now they command celibacy; they admit none unless they swear that they will not teach the pure doctrine of the Gospel. The churches do not ask that the bishops should restore concord at the expense of their honor; which, nevertheless, it would be proper for good pastors to do. They ask only that they would release unjust burdens which are new and have been received contrary to the custom of the Church Catholic. It may be that in the beginning there were plausible reasons for some of these ordinances; and yet they are not adapted to later times. It is also evident that some were adopted through erroneous conceptions. Therefore it would be befitting the clemency of the Pontiffs to mitigate them now, because such a modification does not shake the unity of the Church. For many human traditions have been changed in process of time, as the Canons themselves show. But if it be impossible to obtain a mitigation of such observances as cannot be kept without sin, we are bound to follow the apostolic rule, Acts 5, 29, which commands us to obey God rather than men.
Peter, 1 Pet. 5, 3, forbids bishops to be lords, and to rule over the churches. It is not our design now to wrest the government from the bishops, but this one thing is asked, namely, that they allow the Gospel to be purely taught, and that they relax some few observances which cannot be kept without sin. But if they make no concession, it is for them to see how they shall give account to God for furnishing, by their obstinacy, a cause for schism.
On the other hand McCain—
uh. wait what?
Okay so we got to 36. Whatever.
May 28th, 2010 at 3:43 am
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